Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
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them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Feels like there should be a middle ground
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.