I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
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Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Monica just destroyed the internet
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.