“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
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Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.