“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
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Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.