Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
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My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
New favorite tiktok
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?