This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
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If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.