If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
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non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Left at a local drug store…
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
best first i’ve ever seen
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest