“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
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With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard