Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
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[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
If a snake ate a cake
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Ghost costume 😂
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.