Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
You Might Also Like
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one