“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
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me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Botany good plants lately?
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
BaD BoY!!
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.