So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
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Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]