Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
You Might Also Like
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up