I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
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The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again