only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
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Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…