One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
You Might Also Like
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.