“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
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We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
This made me smile…
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!