There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
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[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock