SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
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[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.