Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
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that lip filler tho
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.