Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.