I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
You Might Also Like
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling