What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
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Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I bet birds love this building.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
live, laugh, laundry.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Möther may I have a snäck
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂