Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
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i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.