The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
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Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Lube but for my dry humor.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal