GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
You Might Also Like
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon