In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Yup
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?