Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
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IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I found your tweet-up…
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.