Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
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Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.