velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
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I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”