Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
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[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.