*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
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boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.