My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
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sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop