Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
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Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not