MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
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He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
finally found a reasonable question
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Left at a local drug store…
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”