Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
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I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio