Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
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me: I think you’ll find my resum茅 impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I鈥檓 sending him a cease and desist letter
Many hands make light work
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she鈥檚 only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he鈥檚 probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
How Vaccines Work 馃Й馃К馃馃拤 (everyone needs to watch this)
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Haven鈥檛 lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven鈥檛 played in that long or what have you.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I鈥檝e never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.