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Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain