If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
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If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Good morning y’all ☀️
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.