All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
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No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Strangers have the best candy.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Mornin
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING