I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.