It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
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Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
when you order from DoorDastardly
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.