ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
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[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know