When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
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“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.