I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
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Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Go hard or stay average
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Just as the prophecy foretold
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Teach your children to beatbox
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.