High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
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I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.