Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.