Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
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wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
They got a point!
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster