Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
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Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you