I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
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Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Labreador
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.